What This Thirty-Something Is Looking For

Today I have been in a running email discussion with a female friend of mine about what guys are looking for in a mate, and we were generally discussing this in terms of the specifics of age and what the consequences of these age preferences may be. I thought it sounded like something that might be fun to address on the blog, so here it goes.

One of the comments that she made was that guys around 30 are generally looking for a woman in her early 20's basically so that they can look like the worldly-wise know-it-all. I'd say that she about has it nailed, but I am not sure that she has it nailed for all of the right reasons. I'm guessing that there are a few different reasons that a 30-year-old guy would want to be with someone in or fresh out of college.

The first that I can think of has to do with the sudden realization that he has hit an age that implies that he should be grown up and well on his way toward all of those outward marks that indicate that he is a man. The sad fact is that alot of guys aren't quite ready to give up their 20s. I mean, the 20s are a pretty good decade for alot of guys. Thus, they look for a way to stay there. By dating a woman in her early 20s he gets to hang around with her other friends, who, more than likely, are in their 20s. He gets to stay in that unbelievably great college atmosphere - even if it is for only a few hours each week.

The second reason that I can imagine is that he is still trying to prove that he "still has it." I have NEVER had "it," whatever "it" is, but for the fellows that did, the prospect of losing "it" must be scary. Face it, 30 is the first of the birthdays where sick, twisted people start thinking that giving you black balloons and over-the-hill gifts is a fun and appropriate thing to do.

The third reason is more of a motivation for the reason that my friend gave. These guys want to look like a know-it-all because, as I mentioned in my first point, by your third decade you are expected to have gained some wisdom and be well on your way to being a man. Frankly, alot of guys, NEVER feel like they have achieved that state. John Eldredge wrote in Wild At Heart that most men feel like posers, and go to great lengths to hide that fact and to try to prove to themselves that they are not. It rarely works.

My friend said that she thought that a person approaching their mid-30s would be looking for a partner in their early 30s. I can hardly speak for all guys in my age range, but I find myself torn in this whole age category thing.

See, I have this sense that the runway (for me) is getting shorter and shorter, and that if I am going to marry and have kids, it probably had best be happening sooner rather than later. The main reason for this feeling is that I hope to still be physically able to play with my children when they come along! ...And I'd also like to not have to use a walker at their graduations!

Now, I realize that the runway for a man is actually much longer than it is for a woman. Conventional medical wisdom teaches that the danger for a woman to bear children through her 30s grows at a somewhat exponential rate. Granted, Sarah was in her 90s when Isaac was born, but that is the exception rather than the rule! So, my age preferences for a wife are at least somewhat influenced by my desire to have children.

The great thing, though, about marrying someone who is close in age to you is that you have alot in common culturally. You grew up at about the same time, so you are familiar with alot of the things that were popular when you were younger. You know the same music, movies, fashion, etc. That creates a major disconnect with someone from a different generation. Someone who is closer in age to you should also be more mature, wiser, and generally have a wider base of experience than younger potential mates. They should also have a pretty good idea of what they are wanting from life and have had a chance to live a little.

Sadly, one of the major downsides to someone in their 30s is that they have probably been severely battered and bruised by life and love. That can create a set of issues and baggage that can be daunting to take up. I've learned that "projects" rarely ever get finished, and can't be finished by me anyway - it’s a God job.

The 20-somethings have a couple of things going for them. They are likely to be at least a little less battered by life and love. They are younger, so kids (and keeping up with them) probably wouldn't be a major problem. However, they generally don't have the same experience or wisdom that the older ladies have, and they often want to go out and do some stuff before they settle down to kids and family life. Even if they don't initially realize that they want to run around experiencing life without these encumbrances, at some point they usually do, leading to all sorts of problems if these weights have already been acquired.

I must say that I have been surprised that I find some of the signs of aging on the ladies my age quite attractive. There is just something kind of sexy about a woman whose eyes are beginning to show the beginnings of the lines that they spend so much money on cosmetics to hide! At my 10th high school reunion I was able to spend some time with a classmate that was beginning to get the hints of lines around her eyes. I was totally enthralled by that. (OK, she is gorgeous too, but I remember being struck by that detail.)

I don’t really know what it is exactly that I am looking for. I have figured out that I can’t figure out what I need in a spouse. I am really trusting that God does and is somehow able to help someone as clueless as me find a really great match! He does have His work cut out for Himself. The churches around here aren’t exactly filled to capacity with marriageable ladies, I don’t do bars, I’m too stubborn to use an online dating service, and I think that I have forgotten how to even ask someone on a date. I don’t even know how to tell if someone likes me! They say that even a blind squirrel finds the occasional acorn. We’ll see!

I guess one benefit to being single at 34 is that I have had a chance to think about and refine the characteristics that are really important to me in a spouse. I’ve found that if these aren’t present it is pretty much a deal breaker. We can still be friends, but I’ll probably not let it go any further than that. Here’s the top 10.

1) Loves God and is a Christian
2) Loves me
3) Is attractive to me (I don’t care what anyone else thinks!)
4) Wants a family
5) Has never been arrested or institutionalized
6) Is politically conservative
7) Believes the Bible
8) Is college educated
9) Fun
10) Smart

Of course, there are other things that I'd love to have in a wife, and there are the things that are a pretty quick turnoff too, but I won’t bore you with those details today. It is getting late here.

I guess what I am saying is that I've got some guidelines, but I have found that some of the things that I thought would be great in a spouse turned out to be something that ended up annoying me to no end. I have always had a sense of destiny, so I know that the selection of my spouse is vitally important. I know that I am not wise enough to figure this out on my own, so I'm really trusting God to direct me to the right place. I always end up falling on God's grace. It is a pretty good place to fall.