Friday, August 15, 2008

Sleepless In China Grove

I just hate it when I can't sleep.

For some reason I just haven't been able to fall asleep tonight. I made it to bed a little after midnight and laid there and laid there. My mind is too busy. There are too many things bothering me for sleep to rescue me I suppose. Now here it is just a little while before sunrise, and I am wide awake.

Of course the cruel part is that once the sun is up and I could be working on my massive to do list I will find that I suddenly can't keep my eyes open at all. Bloody annoying.

This is a season of great frustration for me. I won't go into too many details because I simply don't feel like being that transparent at the moment, but those who know me well are aware of many of the situations that I am facing. At the moment I just don't feel like I am handling them very well.

I guess it would be one thing if the adversity that I was experiencing right now were leading to more obvious spiritual fruit. How much more tolerable this would be if I could take joy in a great spiritual harvest of personal holiness or closeness to God! However, that does not seem to be the case. No, on the contrary I feel as if I am quite stagnant.

It would also be much better if I felt like I was gaining ground. But, alas, that also doesn't seem to be the case. I feel as if I am sliding backwards.

I could even take solace in the assurance that I have done absolutely everything humanly possible to change my situation. But an honest assessment would have to acknowledge that there is much room for improvement there too.

In short, I feel like Mike Tyson in the 11th round of his first fight with Evander Holyfield.

Evander Holyfield and Mike Tyson boxing
The gloves are coming down, and I just don't have the strength or the sense or the zeal to fight anymore. The whole world seems like it is going to hell, and I can't do a thing about it.

I know this is a dark post for me. I generally try to be a bit more optimistic. Can you imagine how bad it would have been if I had been more transparent?!

I guess most of this is the insomnia talking. I know God is still on the throne. I know He still loves me. I know that He will all eventually work it all out in the end. I am just tired of waiting to see Him move. I'm about out of juice.


The Learner said...

I think that often when going through a trial that I cannot see the growth in myself until later.

Jonathan said...

Very true. It would be helpful to know how you're doing along the way though!